I drove the new BMW i7 – it’s a £100k luxury saloon with Swarovski crystal headlights and a 31in cinema in the back

CINEMA is dead. Both the pandemic and BMW have seen to that.

Forget those annoying oiks in the back row lobbing popcorn and sniggering – there is only one row now.

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It’s the back seat of a BMW i7 super saloon with its jaw-dropping THIRTY-ONE INCH theatre screen.

At the touch of a button, the blackout blinds rise up, your seat reclines and the 8k screen lowers itself gracefully into position just for you.

You can have a heated massage while you’re at it too.

Literally stretching almost the entire width of this electric land barge, it’s an automotive and technological triumph on a gloriously ludicrous scale.

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It is a £10k option, mind, which would buy one thousand cinema tickets, but no i7 is truly complete without it.

Oh, and there’s car attached to this theatre too, so here’s a bit about that.

i7 is a brand new badge for BMW – it’s the fully-electric version of the all-new 7 Series limo.

Yes, the vastly proportioned nostrils that debuted in the last generation 7 Series are still in full effect, and now gently illuminated as standard just in case you didn’t notice them the first time.

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And the horizontal headlights are now double-stacked and encrusted with Swarovski crystals.

The visual overtures to the Roll-Royce Spectre are not subtle.

What’s also massive is the battery.

The 102kWh power supply is hidden in the floor and is good for 388 miles – from London to Scotland, without charging.

The Mercedes EQS goes a little further, but would you really travel that far without a pee break?

Plus, the i7 is a much finer place to put your feet up in the meantime.

And makes you look much more badass.

Opening doors with your hand is soo last year. It’s all done here with the touch of a button (or your phone) if you are either inside or out.

The sumptuous yet modern interior has been inspired – BMW’s interior designer Henri tells me – by Charles & Ray Eames with a splash of Nordic fusion in there too.

The textiles and sculpted glass finishes leave you in no doubt to as to the obsessive attention that has been poured into this machine.

While it’s all too easy not to drive the i7 and lounge in its lounge, taking to the wheel is an experience you’ll definitely want to repeat.

While weighing in at nearly three tonnes this very long wheel-based limo feels light with a remarkable turn of pace.

There’s a swathe of different driving modes and ‘experiences’ you can select via the sweeping, curved driver information display or floating rotary dial which tailors performance, ambience, visuals and acoustics to your many whims.

Want your motor to sound like a symphonic crescendo or something out of Tron?

Both are options, as well as having personalised playlists and digital art splashed across your screens or panoramic sunroof uniquely illuminated.

Seriously, the toys just keep on presenting themselves – it also both drives and parks itself, naturally – but the real pleasure, I found, was when it was purely silent.

It’s proper hushed stuff at any speed and more relaxing than watching any blockbuster.

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The i7 will be followed after launch with a couple of straight-six plug-in hybrids to complete the 7 Series line-up – sadly no V8s coming our way. Sign of the times.

Arguably the most entertaining car ever made, in a sense, the BMW i7 is shock and awe served with truly impeccable style.